so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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