no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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