you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
