Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
