Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
