tell your sister to shave her snatch
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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