Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
