remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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