M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
