tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
