I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
