just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
