Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
