Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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