So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
