i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
