Banned from zoo.
Again?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
