oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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