i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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