And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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