I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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