Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
