I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize