U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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