The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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