It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Drunk walkin through police station. America
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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