I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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