did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
