1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
