I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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