The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hippo gnu deer
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
