I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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