I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
