so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
