I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize