I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
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