The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
