just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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