Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
