i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
This house was built for laser tag.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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