Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
