I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
