You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize