you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
