i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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