My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
