God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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