i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
