dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
