first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
