Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
