Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
