I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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