I like my sex mixed with concussions.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
