Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
this will be a night to untag.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
