ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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