And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
