i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
